remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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