so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I got inside last night via doggy door
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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