i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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