My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
