Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize