I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
