mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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