I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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