dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
