I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
