I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
