drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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