I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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