how can u be prego again
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
