so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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