you turned your livingroom into a bong?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize