What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
