My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
