i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
