It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
