Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
