He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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