Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize