When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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