I never want to see another naked old woman again.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize