marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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