At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
