so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I don't think brook has ever known best
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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