I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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