Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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