god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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