If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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