I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
