he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize