mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
