just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
