I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We are all done wearing pants today
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
