I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
