Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
