Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
