i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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