Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
