the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
