I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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