my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
