I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
