remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
