Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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