are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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