We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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