i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
