please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
