i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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