my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
