Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Randomize
