Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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