i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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