I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
