I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
